Break the stigma

So you may or may not know, but may is mental health awareness month.

One of my main goals for creating this blog is to break the stigma.

BUT. It’s hard to be encouraging and finding the power to educate others, when you aren’t doing well yourself.

I want to make many posts this month, but I can’t make any promises. For now.

I want to speak up about myself.

One of my biggest dreams, something I wish for very often, is to find happiness and peace within myself.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t confident, and if i said i wasn’t able to make myself happy.

I’ve found myself in a pretty bad spot for the past five weeks, to the point of suicidal thinking. Which before you ask, yes it's scary, and yes I’m fine.

Although my most traumatic experiences happened about a little over two years ago now, my ptsd has been at its worst this year.

I’ve isolated myself, find it very hard to take care of myself, and waking up in the morning is my hardest challenge.

I find joy in the smallest of things, believe it or not...I’m a pretty positive person.

So being in these “never ending moods”

Makes me feel even worse.

I’ve been hurting for what feels like forever now, but I will be okay, everything will be fine.

I’ve received issues from friends, because they just don’t understand.

Which is exactly why I want to continue to speak for myself and others.

Take this as you will, but I am not looking for attention, or sympathy.

In fact. That’s part of the problem, this stigma.

People opening up about their issues and mental health is NOT looking for attention.

People are afraid to speak about this topic because, no one takes it as seriously as they should.

Break the stigma

Oh and don’t forget

Cause a racket!

2 years

Hello, I know this is a bit late but.

This is something I’ve struggled to write. March 22 made two years since I was attacked.

If I’m being honest, I don’t like bringing light to this topic. At the same time, I want to spread awareness for all the people that have gone through what I have. The people that aren’t heard.

Two years, huh. I wanted to talk about my recovery. Shockingly physically, I’m really alright. I have pain occasionally that most likely won’t go away, and there’s nothing for me to do about that.

Emotionally, I’ve truly gotten so far.

When it first happened, the slightest noises freaked me out, my family had to sit with me in OUR bathroom, and I barely ate anything...and I can eat.

The worst thing of it all, I lost myself as a person. So although I’m alive, it didn’t feel like I was.

My sophomore year of Highschool, I finally went back into my public school setting.

As enjoyable as being around my friends was everyday, I felt judgment. I received jokes. I almost failed sophomore year because I was not able to keep up like everyone else could.

I was at this weird place of being able to do things, but barely holding on.

I also tried being someone I was not, I was too worried about everyone else to actually take care of myself.

Now let’s fast forward. I’m a junior now.

I have made so many new friends, which is something I felt I wasn’t capable of. I only need someone to come with me to public bathrooms.

I’ve been keeping up with work, have somewhat gotten back to my normal eating habits.

Now, something people tell me a lot is that I am “strong” which for once I finally believe.

Ptsd is rough, it catches me when I least expect it. I’ll feel numb for periods of time, cry myself to sleep. The worst, I’ll push away people that are most important to me.

Everyday, is one step closer to the day this won’t hurt so much.

The day I was almost murdered, will eventually just be a day, because my goal is to live my life with nothing but joy.

I still have a long way to go, but it is not impossible.

Whatever you’re going through, you got this.

Stay strong

And remember to

Cause a Racket!

NEDA Week!

Due to this week being National Eating Disorder week, I've decided to return from my hiatus and get back to business.

Although I do not personally struggle with any form of ED, I've taken the time to research on it to share with you.

The definition of the term "Eating Disorder" (ED for short) is...

Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits

there's many different kinds of ED's, some are

Anorexia

Bulimia

Binge Eating Disorder

and many MANY more that all fall under the category we call ED.

so what is NEDA exactly?

NEDA is the National Eating Disorders Association, the largest non-profit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and loved ones impacted by eating disorders [1]. Founded in 2001, NEDA strives to provide information and support for the 20 million women and 10 million men who will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lifetime [1].

Not only that, NEDA recognized the need for an organization that supported those individuals and their loved ones in understanding these harrowing disorders. NEDA is a huge advocate in many areas important to combat eating disorders, for example, campaigning for prevention, improved access to treatment, and increased research funding.

The Week

Often referred to as NEDAwareness Week, the tradition of focusing on eating disorder advocacy and support in the last week of February/first week of March has been observed for over 30 years [2].

since this is something I don't personally go through I decided I'd try something different here.

that is interviewing my friend (Ruth Learn, a rather smart and very talented actress, one of my best-friends who is extremely strong for sharing her story with me and allowing me to upload it.) that has gone through this for some time now.

I wrote up a few questions, and she answered.

1. how did you feel when you were first diagnosed and or realized what was wrong?

So, some context. When I first developed anorexia, even though I exhibited all the signs, I refused to identify it as that. I never formally got diagnosed, but every time I went to the doctors they would express concern about my weight, etc etc, and eventually starting forcing me to eat. After quite a bit of resistance, I saw something about how Americans force a certain body image on girls and EDs are becoming more and more common and everything clicked. I was scared of what would happen if I continued down the road I was on, and developed a stronger will power to fight the ED, finally winning out by the end of middle school.

I've definitely had a couple of relapses, and when that happens I honestly freak out. There's sort of a pressure to make yourself eat, so I convince myself that I should because it's the right decision, but then after I eat the anorexic part of my brain sort of yells at me, like "oh my God why are you eating like that you're gonna destroy your body"

Honestly in my experience this has always led to cyclic eating and then bulimic tendencies and honestly

Bulimia makes you feel guilty
But the guiltier you feel
The worse it gets

So

2. How do you feel knowing people younger and older suffer through this?

I think as you get older you slowly start to learn how to handle it. EDs never really leave, but once you've accepted them and fought them off completely before you become more capable of getting the help you need and pushing through. That doesn't make it easy by any means though, and I hate knowing that so many people out there struggle with it every day, even in their adult life.

As for younger, I remember those days. Everything's harder because you don't really understand it. It makes me sick too because America's culture really does impress the anorexic body type as the "ideal" and so especially when you're just a kid you don't understand why you don't have that when in reality ITS NOT HEALTHY.

3. what do you do to help yourself?

I find I have to tell a couple close friends what's going on which is never the easiest thing but once I have people yelling at me to eat it slowly starts to happen cause I hate disappointing my friends.
I also work at a food place so that helps because I'm constantly having free food pressed on me.
And as far as throwing up goes
There was one day I had already made myself throw up twice
And I was really tempted to do it a third time
So I made my friend go into the bathroom with me and stayed in there with her until the urge passed
And of course a lot of it is just time

4. what would you like to tell others going through this, and people who don’t know much about the topic?

If you're dealing with an eating disorder, that DOESN'T MAKE YOU A LESSER PERSON. Don't be ashamed of it, nobody is going to judge you. Also, your body looks beautiful, you DON'T need to lose weight, and in the case that you really feel the need to there are much, much healthier ways to do so.

To people who don't know much about EDs, please just understand that
It's not nearly as much of a choice as you seem to think it is
And EDs pop up in all sorts of ways in all sorts of people so don't assume anything one way or another Thank you Ruth for allowing me to post this, and I hope it gives people a different view on this. I plan on working on future blogposts soon, maybe one every other week for now. now sharing another one of the wonderful photos from the Tia's Racket shoot done by my friend Jesse

( IG: @jessetruminski )

Cause a racket! :)