Brooklyn Smith’s Story

 Hey! My name is Brooklyn smith! I am 12 years old! About 3 years ago I was struggling to eat and was super super skinny I had just turned ten and I was 40 pounds which is the weight of a 5 year old. I saw many many doctors for 3 years and nobody knew what was going on. To the point were they had to admit me to the hospital to get a g-tube which goes in my stomach. When I first got there I got a nj tube which goes down your nose all the way to your stomach. Then a few days later I got the tube! When I got out I wouldn’t wake up I was extremely nauseous for hours after. To the point were emergency people had to come in and check on me. They rushed me back to the room and said I need emergency surgery. To have 2 surgeries in a matter of a few hours was EXTREMELY risky but we didn’t have much of a choice. After a couple hours I felt way better and I woke up. After I got MANY blood tests and we found out my cortisol doesn’t produce anything. We found out I had adrenal Insufficiency. My doctors said if I would have went one more week I probably wouldn’t of made it. Adrenal insufficiency basically is a life threatening condition which means we don’t know how long I will be present for. It could be a month or it could be years we have no idea. It means my cortisol produces nothing so I take medicine everyday to help. When I used to get a cold instead of it lasting a few days it would last a couple weeks because my cortisol wouldn’t fight off the cold. I have a very low immune system. So when I get sick it last way longer than most people. I have to carry a bag with me with my meds and emergency stuff in it everywhere I go. If I were to pass out I would have to get injected with my needle and medicine and go straight to the Emergency room. It is a very very hard thing to deal . I still deal with it to this day. I try to spread awareness and make everyday the best because I have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like.

Mental Health Within Men

 

Something I’ve noticed over the years is the difference between the way female and male mental health is treated. Both have their struggles but why is it that men are told to not show these emotions or they are not considered manly. Statistically men die by suicide 3.53x more often than woman. By suppressing such strong emotions that are tied to mental illnesses or even just the everyday sadness can lead to, pent up rage, abuse, and suicide. Part of what I aspire to do is change the stigma held with mental health, by doing so I feel it’s appropriate to discuss every aspect. In the rest of this post I interviewed my good friend David! 

What is your opinion on when you hear someone tell a child they can’t be upset and cry simply because they are a boy? 

It’s not only annoying to hear that from someone but it’s also frustrating and illogical. Emotions need to be expressed early in life in order for that child to develop particularly healthy associations with the expression of emotions. Telling a child to repress emotions simply because they’re a boy is constantly instilling the sociological structure we’re trying to destroy being unhealthy masculinity. Emotions are inevitable. Teach them early to be assertive healthily with expressing themselves. 

What is your advice for any guys out there who are afraid to show their true emotions? 

For the men that are afraid, it’s not your fault. Come to terms with oneself in order to express your vulnerability. Analyze why you feel ashamed of expressing or why you feel weird about it. Try to think to yourself “is this irrational to feel sad or angry about?” “Who or what made me think this way?” “Is this fair to me?” You are entitled to feeling, but it is of utmost importance to handle them with great care. Emotions are our body’s way of signaling us of something vitally useful, express them with care and diligence. 

Do you think showing our emotions as people have a big factor on who we are and what we are viewed as? 

Emotions are quintessential to human nature. Showing them more so; also has a big impact on the way people perceive us. We are very emotional beings whether we’d like to admit it or not. Think of the most emotional person you know compared to the least emotional person you know; though they have a particular difference in expression of feelings: they feel at the end of the day (the less emotional one can even feel more than the other). We develop persona’s and facades in hopes of being more likable. We put on a metaphorical mask to express things we don’t feel. We use our reserves of information to become more agreeable in situations because we’re so afraid of not being liked. We think “if I show that I feel this way, no one will like me” but this is a mere illusion and a false projection of what our experiences are saying about us (sociological factors or traumatic predispositions) Emotions can also reveal what is inside of us, therefore this can give you a bigger picture of why they “define” us. But this is not definite. It is in our nature to label and give definitions to things without our conscious knowledge or awareness of what the deeper meaning is. I think it is crucial to make known of what you are feeling and to know the other persons feelings to establish better understanding. Without understanding comes the ignorance being propagated to one another; this can cause anxiety and despair within the individuals. They can have a big meaning on why they define us if we let them. The eye of the beholder gives the meaning as it to what it says as the individual 

Tell me about yourself and your journey? 

As a young boy diagnosed with autism, I had an emotional gift. I had a great amount of emotional intellect, an intuition that couldn’t be mistaken, and a natural hunch for sizing people up. Though this was a gift it also felt like a curse. Absorbing emotional energies was my biggest challenges as it still is, as well not repressing myself emotionally as a man in society. I would cry and I’d get insulted hellaciously. I would get tears rushing down my face and I’d be interrogated on why I got so upset. I was misunderstood and I felt terribly because I couldn’t use a means of expression that would convert my emotions the right way. It took me years to understand that it’s okay to express sadness or any type of emotion that is negative. The key was to forgive myself and to forgive those who caused any type of resentment, anger, animosity, sadness, and other suppressed emotions. It’s a matter of self actualization really, knowing oneself is paramount in our human development as well as opening the door to understanding others. Emotions like many things in this complex life are not one dimensional and concrete. They are meant to be abstract and multifaceted because of our unique associations and experiences with them. Treat them as such. 

Coming back, again!

 I just wanted to give you all an update on my life! If you’ve never seen this page or don’t know who I am, my names tiana but you can call me tia. I’m a nineteen year old from New Jersey, a young woman with dreams to change the world. My freshmen year of high school I was brutally attacked by my bully, the court ruling it out as an attempted murder. I was only fifteen years old and was also dealing with an abusive relationship, my innocence and sights of happiness all felt like they were taken away. My next four years of high school was not what you see in the movies, it was torture. Trying to heal from such a traumatic experience, while dealing with the normal pettiness of teenaged drama was nowhere near a good combination. It also wasn’t helpful to be surrounded by teachers who viewed you as a lost cause. My senior year was honestly one of the best, cut short due to covid-19 I felt like there was so much I wanted to accomplish in my high school years that was taken away. As I like to say, everything happens for a reason. During this time, quarantine and graduation I was finally able to focus on just me. Taking care of the person I should’ve focused on a long time ago! During these months I’ve been able to accomplish and do things I never knew were possible for me! From becoming an official model for the rock your hair company, competing in a national pageant I haven’t been to since I was ten years old, even going to a BLM protest and using my voice! With all the amazing opportunities I’ve been blessed with, and going through extreme historical events it made me realize why I made this organization in the first place. Just like everyone in life I have a story, but not everyone has the voice to tell their stories. The last time I posted back in 2019 I said I would not be posting for awhile because it’s hard to be an advocate when you feel like one of the very voices that have been lost. I am no longer that girl, I am no longer afraid. 

With that I said, I plan on posting a lot more! I have two very special articles coming out soon. A short film that will hopefully come out in a couple of months, and hopefully an updated version of my first ever post on here! 

If you’ve made it this far thank you, you are so loved, and I am proud of you for not only getting through 2020 but any challenge you have faced in life! 

If you haven’t already check out my short film about depression with special thanks to the amazing actors, editors, and videographers (all names in credits) 

https://youtu.be/0zHOcxacKag

And with all that said,

Don’t forget to

Cause a racket!! 

Break the stigma

So you may or may not know, but may is mental health awareness month.

One of my main goals for creating this blog is to break the stigma.

BUT. It’s hard to be encouraging and finding the power to educate others, when you aren’t doing well yourself.

I want to make many posts this month, but I can’t make any promises. For now.

I want to speak up about myself.

One of my biggest dreams, something I wish for very often, is to find happiness and peace within myself.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t confident, and if i said i wasn’t able to make myself happy.

I’ve found myself in a pretty bad spot for the past five weeks, to the point of suicidal thinking. Which before you ask, yes it's scary, and yes I’m fine.

Although my most traumatic experiences happened about a little over two years ago now, my ptsd has been at its worst this year.

I’ve isolated myself, find it very hard to take care of myself, and waking up in the morning is my hardest challenge.

I find joy in the smallest of things, believe it or not...I’m a pretty positive person.

So being in these “never ending moods”

Makes me feel even worse.

I’ve been hurting for what feels like forever now, but I will be okay, everything will be fine.

I’ve received issues from friends, because they just don’t understand.

Which is exactly why I want to continue to speak for myself and others.

Take this as you will, but I am not looking for attention, or sympathy.

In fact. That’s part of the problem, this stigma.

People opening up about their issues and mental health is NOT looking for attention.

People are afraid to speak about this topic because, no one takes it as seriously as they should.

Break the stigma

Oh and don’t forget

Cause a racket!

2 years

Hello, I know this is a bit late but.

This is something I’ve struggled to write. March 22 made two years since I was attacked.

If I’m being honest, I don’t like bringing light to this topic. At the same time, I want to spread awareness for all the people that have gone through what I have. The people that aren’t heard.

Two years, huh. I wanted to talk about my recovery. Shockingly physically, I’m really alright. I have pain occasionally that most likely won’t go away, and there’s nothing for me to do about that.

Emotionally, I’ve truly gotten so far.

When it first happened, the slightest noises freaked me out, my family had to sit with me in OUR bathroom, and I barely ate anything...and I can eat.

The worst thing of it all, I lost myself as a person. So although I’m alive, it didn’t feel like I was.

My sophomore year of Highschool, I finally went back into my public school setting.

As enjoyable as being around my friends was everyday, I felt judgment. I received jokes. I almost failed sophomore year because I was not able to keep up like everyone else could.

I was at this weird place of being able to do things, but barely holding on.

I also tried being someone I was not, I was too worried about everyone else to actually take care of myself.

Now let’s fast forward. I’m a junior now.

I have made so many new friends, which is something I felt I wasn’t capable of. I only need someone to come with me to public bathrooms.

I’ve been keeping up with work, have somewhat gotten back to my normal eating habits.

Now, something people tell me a lot is that I am “strong” which for once I finally believe.

Ptsd is rough, it catches me when I least expect it. I’ll feel numb for periods of time, cry myself to sleep. The worst, I’ll push away people that are most important to me.

Everyday, is one step closer to the day this won’t hurt so much.

The day I was almost murdered, will eventually just be a day, because my goal is to live my life with nothing but joy.

I still have a long way to go, but it is not impossible.

Whatever you’re going through, you got this.

Stay strong

And remember to

Cause a Racket!

NEDA Week!

Due to this week being National Eating Disorder week, I've decided to return from my hiatus and get back to business.

Although I do not personally struggle with any form of ED, I've taken the time to research on it to share with you.

The definition of the term "Eating Disorder" (ED for short) is...

Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits

there's many different kinds of ED's, some are

Anorexia

Bulimia

Binge Eating Disorder

and many MANY more that all fall under the category we call ED.

so what is NEDA exactly?

NEDA is the National Eating Disorders Association, the largest non-profit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and loved ones impacted by eating disorders [1]. Founded in 2001, NEDA strives to provide information and support for the 20 million women and 10 million men who will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lifetime [1].

Not only that, NEDA recognized the need for an organization that supported those individuals and their loved ones in understanding these harrowing disorders. NEDA is a huge advocate in many areas important to combat eating disorders, for example, campaigning for prevention, improved access to treatment, and increased research funding.

The Week

Often referred to as NEDAwareness Week, the tradition of focusing on eating disorder advocacy and support in the last week of February/first week of March has been observed for over 30 years [2].

since this is something I don't personally go through I decided I'd try something different here.

that is interviewing my friend (Ruth Learn, a rather smart and very talented actress, one of my best-friends who is extremely strong for sharing her story with me and allowing me to upload it.) that has gone through this for some time now.

I wrote up a few questions, and she answered.

1. how did you feel when you were first diagnosed and or realized what was wrong?

So, some context. When I first developed anorexia, even though I exhibited all the signs, I refused to identify it as that. I never formally got diagnosed, but every time I went to the doctors they would express concern about my weight, etc etc, and eventually starting forcing me to eat. After quite a bit of resistance, I saw something about how Americans force a certain body image on girls and EDs are becoming more and more common and everything clicked. I was scared of what would happen if I continued down the road I was on, and developed a stronger will power to fight the ED, finally winning out by the end of middle school.

I've definitely had a couple of relapses, and when that happens I honestly freak out. There's sort of a pressure to make yourself eat, so I convince myself that I should because it's the right decision, but then after I eat the anorexic part of my brain sort of yells at me, like "oh my God why are you eating like that you're gonna destroy your body"

Honestly in my experience this has always led to cyclic eating and then bulimic tendencies and honestly

Bulimia makes you feel guilty
But the guiltier you feel
The worse it gets

So

2. How do you feel knowing people younger and older suffer through this?

I think as you get older you slowly start to learn how to handle it. EDs never really leave, but once you've accepted them and fought them off completely before you become more capable of getting the help you need and pushing through. That doesn't make it easy by any means though, and I hate knowing that so many people out there struggle with it every day, even in their adult life.

As for younger, I remember those days. Everything's harder because you don't really understand it. It makes me sick too because America's culture really does impress the anorexic body type as the "ideal" and so especially when you're just a kid you don't understand why you don't have that when in reality ITS NOT HEALTHY.

3. what do you do to help yourself?

I find I have to tell a couple close friends what's going on which is never the easiest thing but once I have people yelling at me to eat it slowly starts to happen cause I hate disappointing my friends.
I also work at a food place so that helps because I'm constantly having free food pressed on me.
And as far as throwing up goes
There was one day I had already made myself throw up twice
And I was really tempted to do it a third time
So I made my friend go into the bathroom with me and stayed in there with her until the urge passed
And of course a lot of it is just time

4. what would you like to tell others going through this, and people who don’t know much about the topic?

If you're dealing with an eating disorder, that DOESN'T MAKE YOU A LESSER PERSON. Don't be ashamed of it, nobody is going to judge you. Also, your body looks beautiful, you DON'T need to lose weight, and in the case that you really feel the need to there are much, much healthier ways to do so.

To people who don't know much about EDs, please just understand that
It's not nearly as much of a choice as you seem to think it is
And EDs pop up in all sorts of ways in all sorts of people so don't assume anything one way or another Thank you Ruth for allowing me to post this, and I hope it gives people a different view on this. I plan on working on future blogposts soon, maybe one every other week for now. now sharing another one of the wonderful photos from the Tia's Racket shoot done by my friend Jesse

( IG: @jessetruminski )

Cause a racket! :)

Why I’ve been gone

Hey, tia here!
I’ve been on a very long hiatus
For good reasoning to say the least.
It’s difficult to write about mental illnesses and experiences when you’re still at a state of healing.
My depression & ptsd have been pretty much eating me alive, at least that’s what it feels like.
It feels different from what I’ve normally experienced.
Usually it’s hard, but always bearable. I can get through the day.
I’ve felt trapped by myself lately, in a literal painful sadness. No matter what I try it just won’t go away.
That heavy feeling, no escape.
My ptsd randomly just flashing up for reasons I don’t feel comfortable explaining.
People care, but don’t really understand what I’m feeling.
Why I’m acting the way I am
Times like these really make me realize why I made Tia’s Racket.
To bring light to a pretty much downing post.
My first Tia’s Racket event is finally happening in my school
Less than two weeks!
I’m absolutely grateful
And can’t wait to see how the whole thing goes.
I plan on coming back and posting again shortly after this event.
I will never stop causing a racket
And neither should you :,)